DARVO: Why Every Confrontation Gets Flipped on You (Part 3)

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DARVO: Why Every Confrontation Gets Flipped on You

Part 3 of the Hidden Psychological Abuse Series.
← Part 1: If This Resonates | ← Part 2: Gaslighting



What Is DARVO?

DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It's a common reaction pattern in abusive or narcissistic dynamics where the person you're confronting suddenly becomes the "victim" and you become the "abuser."

It's not a misunderstanding. It's a defense mechanism designed to avoid responsibility and flip the power dynamic back in their favor.

The DARVO Pattern, Step by Step:

  1. Deny: "I never did/said that. You're making it up."
  2. Attack: "You're crazy/hypersensitive/abusive for even bringing this up."
  3. Reverse Victim & Offender: Suddenly they are the real victim, and you are the bully/abuser.

DARVO Examples You'll Recognize

Example 1: The Public Insult

You say: "It hurt when you called me lazy in front of everyone last night."

DARVO response: "I never said that—you're imagining things. You're so sensitive. Honestly, you're the abusive one with all your constant criticism of me."

Example 2: The Broken Promise

You say: "You promised we'd spend time together this weekend."

DARVO response: "I never promised that—you're putting words in my mouth. You're so demanding. No wonder I need space from you—you're suffocating me!"

Example 3: The Yelling Incident

You say: "I feel scared when you yell at me like that."

DARVO response: "I only yelled because of how you treat me. You're emotionally abusive. I'm the real victim here!"

Why DARVO Feels So Confusing

Every time you try to address a real issue, the conversation does a 180° turn. Suddenly:

  • You're defending yourself instead of them explaining.
  • You're apologizing for "hurting their feelings."
  • You walk away feeling guilty, even though you did nothing wrong.
  • They act wounded, like you're the toxic one.

DARVO is not a communication problem. It's a control tactic.

Spotting DARVO as It Happens

DARVO Red Flags (Pause & Recognize):

  • They immediately deny something you clearly remember.
  • The focus shifts from their behavior to yours within 30 seconds.
  • You suddenly feel like you're on trial for raising a valid concern.
  • They play the "wounded victim" card to end the conversation.
  • Afterward, you feel confused + guilty, even though you started with a reasonable request.

What DARVO Protects

DARVO protects the abuser from:

  • Accountability for their actions
  • Empathy for your hurt
  • Change in their behavior

You are allowed to notice when someone refuses responsibility and flips the script.

Coming Next

Part 4: Coercive Control—When a relationship (or family dynamic) starts feeling like a cage.

The next time someone pulls DARVO on you, you'll see it coming. That's power.

About the author: Years researching psychological abuse patterns to help others name what they're experiencing. Knowledge is the first step toward safety.

Labels: DARVO, narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, trauma recovery

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