And the last piece of the psychology puzzle...

 

When a narcissist selectively shows empathy, it usually reflects a strategic or maladaptive pattern where empathy is employed for personal gain, manipulation, or maintenance of self-image, rather than stemming from genuine emotional concern for others.commonego+2

Types of Empathy Narcissists Display

Narcissists often have impaired, dysfunctional, or situational empathy. Cognitive empathy—the ability to intellectually understand another’s feelings—is often intact, but affective empathy—the capacity to actually feel those emotions—is deficient. This means a narcissist can “read the room,” mirror emotional states, and appear insightful, but typically does so to manipulate, maintain control, or extract validation.simplypsychology+2

Motivations for Selective Empathy

Selectively showing empathy frequently occurs when the narcissist perceives it is in their best interest, such as enhancing their self-image, gaining admiration, or staying in control of a relationship. Sometimes, narcissists show empathy toward specific individuals who remind them of themselves, or who seem vulnerable and thus provide an opportunity for the narcissist to feel superior or benevolent. When displaying empathy is not self-serving, narcissists may emotionally disengage, criticize, or reject others.psychologytoday+3

Manipulative and Self-Serving Aspects

Empathy shown by narcissists is often a form of covert manipulation, designed to make people trust or depend on them, only for the benefit of controlling or extracting something from the relationship. This strategic, selective empathy can confuse others, making it hard to discern the narcissist’s genuine motives.pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih+2

Relationship and Healing Implications

Whether the empathy shown is genuine or performative is less important than recognizing the underlying patterns of manipulation or self-centeredness. For those impacted, it is vital to focus on healing and boundaries, rather than attempting to parse the authenticity of a narcissist’s occasional caring gestures.commonego

In summary, selective empathy in narcissists is a complex, often manipulative behavior that serves their self-interest more than others’ needs, relying heavily on cognitive rather than emotional connection.simplypsychology+2

1. https://blog.commonego.com/do-narcissists-have-selective-empathy/
2. https://www.simplypsychology.org/empathic-narcissist.html
3. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4415495/
4. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/202306/the-narcissists-empathy-for-the-underdog-explained
5. https://www.reddit.com/r/NPD/comments/14zji73/does_anyone_else_with_npd_have_very_selective/
6. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yX2Rry0O4h0
7. https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/x7v4cb/whats_up_with_this_recent_influx_of_empathy_for/

Genuine empathy is shown through consistent, authentic concern for others, not just when it is convenient or beneficial for the other person. It can be identified by several clear signs: the person truly listens, validates your feelings, shows consistent support, and offers help without expecting anything in return.geediting+2

Signs of Genuine Empathy

• The person listens without judgment and stays present, even if your experience is difficult or emotionally charged.rtor+1

• Support and caring are offered regardless of whether it enhances their image, brings them praise, or fits their agenda. Their empathy remains consistent over time and across situations.shamalatan+1youtube

• Their actions are driven by your needs and feelings, not by their need to be admired, gain something, or manipulate others.one-big-idea+1

• They validate your feelings and do not try to "fix" or downplay what you share.geediting+1

Warning Signs of Fake or Performative Empathy

• Empathy appears only when it is advantageous to the person or suddenly vanishes when their needs are met.youtube

• The person’s concern is shallow, inconsistent, or disappears when there is no clear reward or social benefit to them.shamalatanyoutube

• Communication may feel scripted, superficial, or focused on moving the conversation back to themselves.youtubeone-big-idea

• You may notice the person's body language, tone, or timing does not consistently match sincere emotional engagement.rtor

Trusting Your Instincts

Often, if something feels off or the empathy feels transactional, superficial, or strategic, it may not be genuine. Observing consistency, motivation, and the emotional depth of responses over time is key to distinguishing real empathy from manipulative displays.one-big-idea+1youtube

1. https://geediting.com/ways-to-spot-a-genuinely-empathetic-person-according-to-psychology/
2. https://www.shamalatan.info/blog/the-many-faces-of-empathy-how-to-spot-the-difference-between-genuine-and-performative-care
3. https://www.healthline.com/health/what-is-an-empath
4. https://www.rtor.org/2025/03/03/empathy-the-superpower-you-cant-fake-but-can-learn/
5. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL18TrssF9Y
6. https://one-big-idea.com/the-power-of-genuine-empathy/
7. https://www.reddit.com/r/NPD/comments/z3lha9/how_to_differentiate_real_from_fake_empathy/

Some warning signs that gaslighting is taking place:

Apologizing. A victim of gaslighting will constantly be apologizing for doing things wrong, even if they have done nothing wrong. Feeling sorry for everything means that the accountability and responsibility for all perceived wrong-doings has been claimed by one person—the victim. This ensures the perpetrator remains innocent and the victim is continuously guilty.

Can’t Make decisions. The victim will find decision making increasingly difficult, as they will feel that whatever they choose will be the wrong choice. Everything they do or say is wrong, so they feel that they are no longer capable of making rational decisions about anything, so they will leave it up to their abuser. This just gives the abuser even more power and control and prolongs the toxic dance that is taking place between the two.

Change. Change is not always easy to notice, since most change happens bit by bit, so the process can feel very natural in some ways. However, if the victim thinks back to who they were before the relationship and who they are now, they will probably see significant differences.

Confusion. Victims of gaslighting will often be in a constant state of bewilderment and confusion. They find it very difficult to trust their own mind, and constantly doubt their thought process. Their instinct fails to kick in because whenever it does, it is very quickly told that it is wrong, so it becomes a silent tool that ensures the gaslighter remains on top of their game. The victim will know that there is something seriously wrong, but they will find it extremely difficult to work out what. The person being gaslighted will always be wondering if they are overly sensitive as they always feel triggered to react to the gaslighter’s behaviour.

Withdrawn. The one being gaslighted will become withdrawn and often reclusive as they feel so low and beaten down that they have little confidence to socialise with anyone. The victim will feel safer spending time alone than with other people, as when those around them question what is wrong, or what is happening within their relationship, the victim just will not have the answers to justify what is going on.

Due to either depression or severe anxiety, the victim will find it extremely difficult to function normally within society or even with close friends or family. The abuser at this stage has won the battle for control, as without anyone to confide in the victim will find it very difficult to work out that it is the abuser that is causing the damage. The abuser will not want anyone to figure out their game, so, they will work hard to make sure their victim becomes alienated from anyone who could offer support.

Overall, the main reason for gaslighting is to create a dynamic where the abuser has complete control over their victim so that they are so weak that they are very easy to manipulate.

The gaslighter wants to appear superior to the one being gaslighted. By making their victim feel completely helpless with very low self-esteem, the abuser has complete domination over them, so they are very successful in manipulating their victim to get whatever it is they want. This can range from simply having their ego stroked by feeling like they are significantly better than the person they are with, and at the extreme end to being able to gain financial, sexual or material benefits as their victim feels too emotionally and mentally weak to fight back.

There are many reasons that someone would gaslight someone else, but it is always done for personal gain. The abuser has very little interest in their victim, other than using them for their own twisted benefit. When the victim becomes so low down that they are no longer of any great use to the gaslighter the relationship will die out. The abuser will distance themselves by ignoring their victim and using silent treatment as an intense form of emotional torture.

The victim will have no idea what to do to please or satisfy their abuser, and will often try anything to win over their abuser to regain the affection that was shown in the beginning stages. By now though, it is far too late. Any little amount of respect that the abuser had for their victim will have been completely depleted and it is very unlikely that the dynamic will change again.

The abuser will often walk away from their victim leaving them with a deep sense of frustration, shame, guilt, anger and often riddled with anxiety and depression. The victim is usually left in a vortex that they will struggle to climb out of, however, this will be compounded by a deep sense of relief that this vicious dance is over.

The abuser will walk away with a great feeling of satisfaction having won each and every battle and will move onto their next innocent victim with even more skill and experience, so they can begin this horrendous war once again.

The victim will very likely need counseling and a huge amount of support to build themselves back to a stage where they have confidence and can trust their own mind and intuition. It is imperative that the victim realizes that they have been a pawn in a very nasty game so they can let go of all the blame they have placed upon themselves and become familiar with the warning signs so that they do not fall victim again.

Anyone who has come through this type of experience will feel debilitated at first, however, they will only be temporarily weakened. They will bounce back stronger than before, having learned painful but valuable lessons along the way. The most important lesson—having complete faith in their intuition. As difficult as it is to accept, there are always red flags and warning signs in the initial stages.

When these signals show up, this is when we must trust completely in our instincts and never fail to listen to what our gut feelings are telling us. Our fight or flight reactions are there for a reason—to prevent us from entering into dangerous situations. When we feel an urgency to take flight—fly.

Fly far and don’t look back.