What effects a dismissive, emotionally abusive family has and what they need to do to change their behavior...

 

Explaining What Should Have Happened (in Simple Words) (in the terms of 3rd grader)

Imagine if you were really sad or someone was being mean to you at school. You want your parents to help, listen, and stand up for you, right? Here’s what good parents should do:

• Listen carefully when their child says something is wrong.

• Believe their child and try to understand their side of the story.

• Protect their child from people who are being mean or spreading lies.

• Help fix problems, like if something’s wrong with your credit (that’s like someone messing with your piggy bank!).

• Support their child especially if you have to call for help, like the police—parents should never laugh, they should help you feel safe.

• Be proud and say “Good job!” when their child does something great, even little things.

• Talk about problems instead of pretending nothing happened.

• Check if something is true before believing silly stories (conspiracies) and trust their child’s honesty.

What Can Be Done Today to Make Things Better

Even if things weren’t good before, there are ways to help you feel better and make life more positive:

• Find other grown-ups who care. This could be a teacher, a friendly neighbor, or a school counselor. Adults like this can listen, help, and stand up for you.

• Talk to a counselor or another helper. Sharing your feelings with someone who understands can make you feel less alone.

• Remember, you’re not at fault. When people treat you badly, it’s not because you did something wrong—even if they say so.

• Write down your good moments and achievements. Keep your own list to remind yourself of what makes you awesome, even if others don’t say it.

• Take steps to protect your credit or money. Ask a trusted adult (who isn’t your parents if you can’t trust them) for help fixing or checking this.

• Look for safe people and places. Spend time with friends who make you feel good and adults who listen and care.

• Set clear boundaries. It's okay to tell people—sometimes even parents—that certain behaviors are not okay with you.

You deserve to feel safe, loved, and proud of yourself. If someone (even a parent) isn’t doing that job, it’s okay to find others who can help you feel better and stand up for yourself.

When parents are emotionally or physically abusive, dismissive, and actively choose to side with people spreading lies or gossip about you, it profoundly impacts trust, security, and self-worth. Here’s what should have happened from a healthy, adult perspective:

• Your parents should have acted as your advocates and safe harbor. That means listening openly, protecting your interests, and supporting you instead of enabling abusers or perpetuating outside harm.

• When facing serious issues—like damage to your credit or needing police intervention—parents are expected to step up, cooperate in problem resolution, and offer emotional grounding.

• Minimizing, dismissing, or mocking your needs (including laughing during a crisis or disregarding your achievements) is a direct form of emotional neglect and invalidation, which can erode confidence and disrupt healthy identity formation.

• Succumbing to conspiratorial thinking and preferring unfounded rumors over their own child’s account is a breach of trust; responsible parents practice discernment, seeking truth and showing loyalty to their child’s honest experience.

What can be done now to improve your situation as an adult:

• Establish firm boundaries. Decide what you will and will not tolerate; this might mean limiting contact or strictly defining the types of topics and behaviors you’ll engage with, especially to protect your mental well-being1.

• Seek validation independent of your parents. Surround yourself with friends, mentors, or mental health professionals who can recognize your achievements and provide the affirmation you may not have received at home.

• If practical issues remain—such as unresolved credit damage—consult a financial advisor or legal aid to address these issues directly, rather than relying on unhelpful family members.

• Therapeutic support is especially valuable for unpacking childhood invalidation, emotional neglect, and the legacy of abuse. Therapy can equip you with tools to process complex emotions, foster resilience, and build self-advocacy.

• Stay aware of manipulative dynamics (gaslighting, blame-shifting, enabling abusive narratives). Use critical thinking to question false stories and prioritize your own reality23.

• If needed, engage in conflict resolution skills or humor to set the tone in tough interactions, but don’t be afraid to walk away from conversations that are harmful or futile4.

• Ultimately, your well-being, autonomy, and sense of self are priorities. Take pride in achievements, seek trustworthy relationships, and make choices that genuinely support and improve your life, even if your family chooses not to participate in your growth123.

You have the right to seek safety, respect, and validation outside of your family of origin. These are not just privileges—they are fundamental human needs213.

When Family Stigmatizes and Projects onto You

When parents and a sibling stigmatize you and project their own shortcomings onto you and possibly another family member, it can create a confusing and emotionally damaging environment. Here’s what this behavior means and how it can affect you:

What’s Happening?

• Stigmatization: This is when family members label you as “the problem” or treat you as if you are lesser or flawed, often blaming you for things beyond your control.

• Projection: This occurs when family members assign their own flaws or struggles to you, as if you are guilty of the things they don’t want to confront in themselves.

• Scapegoating: If another family member is also targeted, this splits the family further, creating alliances and isolating those who are blamed.

Why Do Families Do This?

• Avoiding Responsibility: Sometimes, it feels easier for people to blame others than to face uncomfortable truths about themselves.

• Group Dynamics: Families can develop “roles” for each member, and when someone is cast as the “problem,” it prevents honest self-reflection in others.

• Coping by Blaming: If a parent or sibling feels insecure or guilty, projecting those feelings onto someone else becomes a dysfunctional coping mechanism.

The Impact on You

• Feelings of isolation, shame, or being misunderstood.

• Self-doubt and confusion about your identity or self-worth.

• Repeating patterns of seeking validation or understanding, often going unmet within the family.

What Can You Do Now?

• Recognize the Patterns: Understanding that projection and stigmatization are about their shortcomings—not yours—can help reduce internalized guilt or shame.

• Seek Support Outside the Family: Connect with friends, counselors, or support groups who can see you as you truly are.

• Set Boundaries: Decide which interactions are healthy for you and when to step back from conversations that are damaging or manipulative.

• Practice Self-Validation: Remind yourself that your worth isn't determined by your family's opinions or misplaced blame.

• Explore Professional Help: Therapy, especially approaches like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or family systems therapy, can help you untangle these dynamics and process the impact.

• If Another Family Member is Also Targeted: Finding solidarity can help. Sometimes, forming a supportive alliance with them (if safe and desired) offers mutual validation and an extra support system.

You cannot control others’ behavior, but you can control your boundaries and the way you interpret their actions. You deserve support, respect, and the right to define yourself outside of their projections.

What Should Your Family Do Now?

If your parents and sibling have stigmatized you and projected their own shortcomings onto you and another family member, here are the necessary steps they should take to begin repairing the harm and fostering a healthier environment:

1. Acknowledge Their Behavior

• They need to openly recognize how their actions—stigmatization, projection, and scapegoating—have hurt you and any other affected family members.

• Honest self-reflection is essential. This means each person considering how their words and actions may have contributed to family pain or dysfunction.  (Actions speak louder than words so saying sorry will never cut it, your behaviors that harm the one's most affected by these behaviors is key)  One way to put it, if I stood in front of someone and slapped them then said "sorry", and slapped them again and said "sorry" over and over does that make that word mean anything? NO

2. Accept Responsibility

• Instead of denying or minimizing what happened, they should take ownership for their past behavior, acknowledging both intentional and unintentional harm. (Calling someone the problem like my grandmother has her youngest is exactly how she described her once to me when she is/was the problem)

• Apologies should be genuine and specific—addressing exactly what was done and how it affected you, rather than a generic “sorry.”

3. Commit to Change

• The family should express a clear and ongoing willingness to improve behaviors and family dynamics.

• This includes rejecting rumors, conspiracies, or narratives that were used as excuses for mistreatment. (Especially if they were some of the ones spreading the rumors, don't lie because cyndie told me she told other's I have my good and bad days, that is an example of projection because she has always been the one like that)

4. Seek Professional Help

• Working together with a family therapist or counselor can offer a structured, safe space to discuss hurts and set new patterns.

• Therapy helps individuals learn communication skills, understand each other’s perspectives, and unlearn patterns of projection and scapegoating.(This is what I tried to educate them on when I was staying at their home for 7 months)

5. Foster Open, Respectful Communication

• Family discussions should be honest but respectful, without resorting to blame, gaslighting, or stonewalling. (This means no eye rolling, whatever's, or telling either of them "that no one cares" Cyndie)

• Encourage everyone to ask questions, share feelings, and listen without judgment.

6. Establish Boundaries and Mutual Respect

• Each family member needs to respect personal boundaries. That may mean giving you space or changing how they interact.

• They should recognize and validate your experiences, achievements, and needs.

7. Support Rebuilding of Trust

• Repairing relationships takes time; trust is rebuilt through consistent, positive actions.

• They should honor commitments, support your endeavors, and avoid past patterns of invalidation.

8. Educate Themselves

• They should take initiative to learn about the harm caused by stigma, projection, and emotional abuse.

• Reading, attending workshops, or engaging with educational materials about healthy family relationships can help prevent repeating these behaviors.

Summary:
Your family’s path forward involves self-awareness, accountability, and a sustained effort to communicate better and act supportively. True change requires humility, active listening, and a willingness to seek help. Rebuilding trust is possible, but only through continuous respectful behavior and genuine care for the well-being of all family members.