How to spot bad friendships and other life hacks that work (sources cited)
How To Spot a Friend Who Doesn’t Have Your Back, According to Therapists
Not every person in your life may be looking out for you
By
Published on December 08, 2025
A genuine friend will be happy for you and want to see you do well.
Oscar Martin / Getty Images
What Is a Smart Bed?
Close
Key Takeaways
- It can be hard to tell whether someone truly has your best interest at heart or is motivated by personal gain or self-interest.
- People who care about you listen, act honestly, show up consistently, and respect your boundaries.
- Feeling supported by someone who wants the best for you can improve your confidence, resilience, and emotional stability.
You and a coworker are working on a project together. She's excited, you're excited, plans are coming around, and things are looking up. That is, until she starts acting weird. Not committing to deadlines. Forgetting about assignments. Taking credit for your ideas. Establishing herself as the key contributor, even though she barely did anything.
Kelsey Gunning, MSW, a family support specialist, experienced this a couple of years ago—a classic case of someone not having your best interest at heart.
It's hard to tell if a friend, lover, family member, or even coworker is rooting for you or looking out for themselves. Hidden motives, personal agendas, and blatant dishonesty make it hard to know who is for you or against you.
When someone has your best interest at heart, it means they genuinely care about your well-being and prioritize your needs and desires. This person’s actions, decisions, and advice are motivated by a sincere intention to support and benefit you, rather than pursuing personal gain or self-interest. They are invested in your growth, happiness, and overall success, and their behavior reflects a deep respect for you and your values.
— KELSEY GUNNING, MSW, A FAMILY SUPPORT SPECIALIST
Signs Someone Has Your Best Interest at Heart
Okay, so your friend is always there for you. They come calling when you're having a bad day. Need to celebrate? They're there with a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates in hand. Do *any* of these actions mean they have your best interest at heart? Not necessarily.
“[It] can be challenging to discern if someone truly has your best interest at heart,” Gunning says. “Intentions can be obscured by external factors like personal agendas, social dynamics, or emotional manipulation.”
Related Stories
Are Your Relationships Healthy? Here's How to Tell
How to Respect Other People's Boundaries
Figuring out where you stand with someone requires going beneath the surface—not relying only on what they say or do. Here are some traits or qualities you should consider:
- They listen to what you’re saying. “When there is a genuine connection, you actively listen to a person and hone in to better understand their feelings without interrupting or dismissing them,” explains David Campbell, DSW, LMFT, the clinical and program director at Recover. “This shows that you care and have respect for that person's feelings and concerns.”
- They're honest. It’s difficult to have a worthwhile relationship with someone you can’t trust. Lying can be a self-serving trait. And if this person is lying to help their cause, then they are not looking out for what benefits you. Furthermore, be aware of whether this person tries to manipulate you into agreeing with them or abandoning your desires for theirs.
- They act selflessly. When you spend time with this person, is it all about them, their interests, or what they want to do? Are their choices beneficial to them and lack consideration for you or your feelings?
- They offer consistent and unwavering support. Does this person promise to show up for you, but back out at the last minute or cancel unexpectedly? “This is a big one,” Dr. Campbell says. “People not only tell you they care but they show you in the way they show up for you. This sign demonstrates reliability and responsibility, indicating they prioritize your needs.”
- They respect your boundaries. This means they shouldn’t pressure you to do something that makes you uncomfortable or violates your beliefs. When your boundaries are respected, “[they] honor and respect your choices, showing that they value your autonomy and personal space,” says Gunning. They don't have to agree with you, but they should *always* respect your decisions and want the best for you.
A person who has your best interest at heart will help you foster a healthy, mature relationship. They'll create a space that feels safe and affirming for both of you.
The Benefits of Having a Ride-Or-Die Friend
A relationship where you feel supported and valued benefits you mentally and emotionally. These friends:
- Help improve confidence: Your self-esteem and self-worth improve.1
- Can make you more resilient: “Their encouragement and constructive feedback can help you better handle stress and adversity, fostering emotional strength and resilience,” Gunning notes.
- Can foster personal growth: "Genuine care often includes providing opportunities for growth and development, leading to continuous self-improvement and achieving personal goals," Gunning says.
- Can make you feel more stable, and less anxious or depressed:2 You don't have to question their intentions or be wary of their actions, waiting for them to betray you or the friendship. “When someone doesn’t have your best interest at heart, it can lead to a range of negative emotional responses, including anxiety, sadness, and anger,” Dr. Campbell states. “These feelings can create a sense of emotional instability, making it challenging to maintain healthy relationships. As such, being around such individuals can trigger stress responses, impacting your overall mental health.”
Why It's Important to Have Friends Who Truly Care
Discerning whether someone really has your best interest at heart saves you a lot of pain in the long run (friendship breakups suck!). But it also helps you build better and longer-lasting friendships.
“When someone has your best interest at heart, they truly want the best for you,” Dr. Campell explains. “When making choices or giving advice, this person considers your needs, feelings, and general welfare. They put your success and happiness ahead of their own interests or hidden agendas, acting with compassion and love. In essence, it conveys an altruistic and sympathetic viewpoint toward you with no hidden agenda.”
https://www.verywellmind.com/best-interest-at-heart-11864222
Why Some People Can’t Stand to See You Succeed — Tall Poppy Syndrome Explained
Success doesn't require apology
By
Brina Patel is a writer from Sacramento, California. Prior to writing full-time, she worked as an applied behavior analysis therapist for children on the autism spectrum. She leverages her own experiences researching emotions, as well as her personal challenges with chronic illness and anxiety, in her storytelling, with the hope of inspiring others to take better charge of their overall wellness and understand themselves on a deeper level.
Learn about oureditorial process
Published on September 11, 2025
Tall poppy syndrome can make you feel bad about doing well, but it’s more about others' discomfort than your worth.
G_Bartfai / Getty Images
Table of Contents
9 Expert-Recommended Productivity Tips That Sound Silly But Actually Work
Close
Key Takeaways
- Tall poppy syndrome involves criticism due to one’s successes.
- The psychological impacts can run deep, impacting self-esteem and overall mental health.
- Clear communication can help us address the source of this pain and move forward.
Have you ever been made to feel bad for doing well? This is what's known as the tall poppy syndrome. “In simplest terms, tall poppy syndrome is when someone is harshly criticized for being high-achieving,” says Courtney Morgan, LPCC-S, licensed therapist and co-founder of TherapyList.
What Is Tall Poppy Syndrome?
“Tall poppy syndrome is a kind of social pruning rather than just envy,” says Eliana Bonaguro, LMHC. If someone stands out for being too ambitious, there can be a desire to cut down their ego and level the playing field.
This tendency is “driven by the fear of being overshadowed and the dread of failure by comparison.” She notes that the term tall poppy syndrome is used in Australia and New Zealand, while in the United States, “It goes by names such as cancel culture, humblebrag shaming, or simply ‘haters.’”
Tall poppy syndrome traces its roots to ancient Rome. Tarquin the Proud, a tyrannical king, ordered his son to remove or kill citizens in neighboring states who resisted his control. To showcase his desires, Tarquin the Proud cut the heads off the tallest poppies in his garden.1
“People are often intimidated by [those] who are doing better than most and try to belittle or derail their accomplishments in order to feel better about themselves,” says Morgan. “This is easy for people to do if most people are limited in their growth, as they can band together to ‘cut down’ the taller poppy.”
Where It Shows Up
Tall poppy syndrome commonly shows up in four places: in the workplace, within friendships, in familial dynamics, and online spaces. Let’s take a look at each:
- Workplace: Morgan says that in the workplace, “Tall poppy syndrome may look like people assuming that the high-achieving person had some sort of advantage over others.” Those in higher positions may overlook these individuals for promotions due to their own insecurities.
- Friendships: Within friendships, tall poppy syndrome may show up in the form of backhanded compliments, says Bonaguro. It can also mean being left out and not having your accomplishments celebrated as much as friends’ successes, says Morgan.
- Family: “Someone with tall poppy syndrome may feel like the black sheep in their family and that people keep them at a distance,” Morgan says. “This may look like being left out of group chats or people assuming that you don’t want to be involved in certain activities.”
- Online spaces: Showing up online can be challenging when dealing with tall poppy syndrome. "You may be attacked or harshly criticized by people that you don’t know or that barely know you,” says Morgan. Anonymity allows people to be more brutal than they would be otherwise.
Bonguro notes that tall poppy syndrome is damaging because "it punishes the very qualities we claim to value: talent, ambition, and innovation.”
Why It Can Hit Hard
Tall poppy syndrome can greatly affect our mental health. “It leaves its victims feeling anxious, isolated, or even drives them to hold themselves back,” says Bonaguro. “It can stifle ambitions for the sake of conformity, of fitting in.”
Debbie Biery, an entrepreneur, certified IPEC life coach, and creator of The Opportunity Switch, has been extensively criticized for her success.
“When I experienced my biggest year in sales as a real estate agent, I was happy because I worked so hard to achieve a record sales year,” she says. Her accountant commented on how much money she made and called her a “rich b*tch.”
Tall poppy syndrome may look like people assuming that the high-achieving person had some sort of advantage over others.
— COURTNEY MORGAN, LPCC-S
“I was horrified that he would say that, and I felt very deflated,” recalls Biery. “Every single penny I had ever made in my life was earned by my persistence, tenacity, and sheer will to be successful.”
This experience affected Biery’s self-esteem and made her question herself. “I was really angry at him and disappointed that I didn't confront him or express that he should not talk to me that way.”
Why People React This Way
What leads people to engage in these behaviors surrounding tall poppy syndrome? Morgan says it “stems from insecurity around their own lack of accomplishments, and downplaying the poppy’s successes helps them to feel less intimidated.”
How to Protect Your Energy Without Shrinking Your Light
Coping with tall poppy syndrome can feel challenging, especially in the moment, but taking a step back to collect ourselves can help us decide how to move forward. Biery has a few tips:
- Talk to loved ones. Biery was very bothered by the situation and kept replaying it in her mind. Talking to family and friends helped her process the issue. Plus, research shows that social support can lower stress levels and increase positive emotions.2
- Speak up for yourself. “Not only do we have a right to stand up for ourselves, but it is also our responsibility to teach and show others how we expect to be treated,” says Biery. She ended up firing her accountant due to the negative impact his behavior had on her.
- Communicate clearly and professionally. When we do this, according to Biery, “We create a space of clarity and acceptance, and then we can see how we are empowering ourselves.”
- Reflect on your actions. In the moment, we may not handle everything the way we would have liked. Acknowledging what we could have done differently can help us address future scenarios more appropriately. If Biery could have done things over, she would have pointed out, “that if he wanted to continue doing business with me, he would need to apologize and be more thoughtful about how he talked to me.”
Read more:
2 Sources
By Brina Patel
Brina Patel is a writer from Sacramento, California. Prior to writing full-time, she worked as an applied behavior analysis therapist for children on the autism spectrum. She leverages her own experiences researching emotions, as well as her personal challenges with chronic illness and anxiety, in her storytelling, with the hope of inspiring others to take better charge of their overall wellness and understand themselves on a deeper level.
Are You The Only One Making The Effort? It Might Be a One-Sided Friendship
When there's too much giving and very little receiving
By
Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."
Learn about oureditorial process
Updated on September 16, 2025
Reviewed by
Verywell Mind / Getty Images
Table of Contents
· Signs
· Effects
· Building Balanced Friendships
9 Expert-Recommended Productivity Tips That Sound Silly But Actually Work
Close
Key Takeaways
- If you're always giving but never receiving in a friendship, it might be one-sided.
- Talk to your friend about how you feel and suggest ways they can help improve the friendship.
- If things don't change after talking, it may be time to end the friendship to take care of your well-being.
You're the first to text or make plans. Ask how they are or what's going on in their life. Be there for them. All. The. Time. And, where are they? Nowhere to be found. After a while, you begin wondering if you want to be friends at all.
If you’re the one who’s always giving but never receiving, you might be in a one-sided friendship. It can be hard to see the signs—especially if you're in the throes of it—but there are ways to 1) recognize this friendship dynamic and 2) stop it from happening. Keep reading to learn more about one-sided friendships, what causes them, and what steps you can take to fix (or sometimes end) the friendship.
Signs of a One-Sided Friendship
One-sided relationships are sometimes easy to spot. But sometimes you might not realize you're in the midst of one until time has passed.
The first sign of a one-sided friendship is the lack of reciprocity in communication. You're always the one reaching out first. Other signs you may notice include:
- You feel like you’re always giving but never receiving
- You’re always there for them, but they are absent whenever you need help or support
- They only reach out to you when they need something, whether it’s your time, support, or resources
- You’re the one who initiates all of your conversations
- You always make all of the plans to do things together
According to Seth Eisenberg, a relationship skills coach, one-way relationships are often characterized by a lack of reciprocity and one-way communication. This dynamic can leave you feeling emotionally drained. Rather than feeling uplifted by your friendship, you feel exhausted because you're always the one giving and never receiving.
If you suspect the friendship might be one-sided, start analyzing your interactions and asking yourself a few questions. Is there a noticeable imbalance in the emotional support you are giving versus receiving? Are you the one who is always listening, helping, and comforting, while they rarely reciprocate?
Another way to assess your friendship is by paying attention to their responses to your problems or accomplishments. In a healthy, balanced friendship, they’ll react enthusiastically and be eager to celebrate your achievements. However, in one-sided friendships, responses will likely involve indifference or jealousy.
“Conversations revolve around your friend's life, problems, and achievements, with little interest shown in your experiences or feelings,” Eisenberg notes. This type of toxic friendship can hurt your self-esteem and self-worth.
Friendships Can Change Over Time
Remember that everyone goes through periods where they're unable to give support. No one can give the same level of responsiveness all the time. Be empathic in these situations, but know that if such behavior becomes a constant pattern, it's likely not just a phase.
Effects of a One-Sided Friendship
Quality friendships are important for well-being.1 One-sided friendships, on the other hand, can leave you feeling lonely—which can take a heavy toll on your emotional and mental health. The constant giving without getting anything back in return can drain your energy and make you feel like you don’t have the support you need and crave.2
Isolation and Self-Worth Problems
We are naturally social creatures, so social support is vital for our mental well-being.3 When you don’t have connections—despite your best efforts—you feel isolated, anxious, and sad. You're questioning why the other person isn’t as committed to the friendship as you are. It can hurt your self-worth and make you wonder why your efforts aren’t being reciprocated.
It May Affect Your Other Relationships
One-sided relationships also pose a risk to your other relationships. If you are emotionally invested in a friend who doesn’t return your efforts, you have less time and energy available for those who do care and support you.
It can create an unbalanced situation where one person rejects you, and you get less interaction with others, leaving you feeling isolated and alone.
It Can Stifle Personal Growth
Quality friendships can help you grow as a person. In a one-sided friendship, the other person reap all the benefits while you get little or nothing in return. You're stuck in a cycle where you become the support system for someone else’s growth, but you don’t receive the same opportunities to fulfill your potential.
It Can Hurt Future Relationships
The psychological harm caused by a one-sided friendship can last long after you’ve moved past it, leaving you feeling cynical and skeptical about relationships in general. You may be wary of making new friends and begin creating emotional walls to keep people from hurting you.
This fear can hold you back from forming more healthy, authentic, and mutual friendships. All of which makes it harder to meet new people who might just make wonderful, supportive friends.
Healthy friendships are a two-way street, and everyone deserves to feel valued and supported. By addressing the imbalance, you can either strengthen the friendship or make space for more fulfilling connections in your life.
— SETH EISENBERG, LICENSED NATIONAL PAIRS TRAINER
Understanding the Dynamics
Why do one-sided friendships happen? Understanding how these relationships form will help you recognize your current situation and help you avoid similar patterns in the future.
Early Attachment Patterns
“From an attachment-based lens, one-sided friendships often occur because of our early relationship experiences,” says Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, an anxiety, trauma, and attachment therapist based in Los Angeles. “If someone grew up feeling they had to earn love or attention, they might overextend themselves in friendships, always giving but never asking for anything in return. This pattern can make them prone to one-sided relationships.”
On the flip side, some people become used to being taken care of without needing to reciprocate, she says. In such cases, they naturally fall into the role of being the receiver in the friendship. “These dynamics create an imbalance where one person feels like they’re constantly putting in the effort while the other just coasts along,” Groskopf adds.
Imbalanced Emotional Labor
Emotional labor refers to mental activity required to manage tasks and maintain relationships. This type of labor includes things like listening to the other person, offering support, planning activities, and working out details to help keep the relationship going.
When the other person doesn’t put in this emotional labor, you are left carrying this mental load on your own. Over time, this imbalance can create feelings of exhaustion and resentment.
Power Imbalances
If your friend has assumed a dominant role in the relationship, you believe (often subconsciously) you have to bear the burden of carrying the friendship. Being a people-pleaser can complicate this further. Because you want to win their approval and avoid conflict, you may do things to help keep things running smoothly.
Poor Reciprocity
The principle of reciprocity is important in all types of relationships. While friendships shouldn’t be purely transactional, a solid friendship is rooted in the idea that you will be there for each other. In a healthy friendship, there will be a mutual exchange of kindness, support, favors, and effort. If you are in a one-sided friendship, you probably feel like all you do is give, give, give.
Recap
One-sided friendships are often rooted in a dynamic based on imbalanced emotional labor, power, and reciprocity. If you've overlooked this imbalance in your relationship, it's time to reassess.
How to Address a One-Sided Friendship
Being in a one-sided friendship can hurt, and you might be tempted to just walk away. However, there are things you can do to salvage the friendship and steer it toward a healthier balance. Some things you can do to address this type of friendship include the following:
Acknowledge the Problem
The first step is to acknowledge the situation. It’s easy to fall into a pattern and let things just continue as they are. Especially if you're afraid of rocking the boat. But acknowledging the reality is essential.
Remember, you’re not being overly sensitive or petty. Don’t gaslight yourself into thinking that the problem isn’t real. If you feel constantly undervalued and drained by the friendship, those feelings are valid.
Consider the Dynamic
Once you’ve acknowledged the problem, examine the situation and think about the dynamics playing a role. Do you think your friend is aware of the imbalance? Are they behaving this way intentionally or unintentionally?
Groskopf says an important first step is to consider the friendship dynamic. “Think about how you and your friend handle relationships,” she suggests. “If you often give too much because you worry about being liked (a classic people-pleasing trait tied to anxious attachment), try to step back a bit. Let your friend know that it’s important for both of you to keep the friendship healthy.”
Have a Conversation
If your friend seems unaware of the problem, it’s worth communicating your feelings to them. The goal isn’t to point fingers or lay blame. Instead, approach this conversation with empathy and assertiveness. Focus on what you are feeling instead of their actions (or lack of actions).
This conversation can be difficult, but clearly explain how you feel and what steps they can take to help improve the situation. Use "I feel" statements to avoid sounding accusatory and reduce defensiveness.4
Don’t expect immediate change since old habits often die hard. Be patient and give them the chance to adjust.
Request Specific Support
Groskopf also recommends being direct and specific about the type of support you need. “Sometimes friends don't know what you need unless you tell them,” she explains. “Ask for specific help or support. For instance, 'Can you check in with me this week? I’ve had a rough time and could use some encouragement.'”
Be Ready to Take Further Steps
Groskopf says assessing and adjusting is essential. “Regularly evaluate the friendship’s balance,” she advises.
If the imbalance continues, Eisenberg suggests it may be time to reconsider your friendship. “Think about the overall value of the friendship,” he recommends. “Does it still bring you joy and fulfillment? If not, it might be time to step back.”
You deserve supportive people who are happy to be there when you need them. And if your friend isn't giving you that—especially if you've asked for it repeatedly—it may be time to cut things off. It's not easy, of course. Ending a friendship never is. But taking care of yourself means letting some friendships go. This doesn't mean you've failed–it's a sign of growth and self-respect.
Tips for Ending a One-Sided Friendship
Not all friendships are made to last. Sometimes, a friendship breakup is the best thing for your well-being.5
If things don’t improve after communicating your needs and setting boundaries, it might be necessary to reassess the friendship's value. It's OK to step back from relationships that drain more than they give.
— CHERYL GROSKOPF, LMFT, LPCC
So, what can you do to let go of a one-sided friendship? In many cases, you may simply let the relationship run its natural course once you stop putting in all the effort.5 Gradually reducing your social interaction and letting the friendship slowly fade is a good option if you don't want to confront the other person or if you think they might respond in hurtful ways.
Set Boundaries
Once you've decided to let go of the relationship, have one more conversation with your friend to explain your boundaries. Let them know they are important to you, but you can't continue doing all the work. If things are going to continue, they need to make the investment and put forth the effort.
The Secret Every Lasting Friendship Shares
Stop Making Contact
Once you've decided to end the friendship, stop reaching out. Don't text or call. You might miss them and think of them but stick to your resolve.
If the other person reaches out, be willing to hear them out and give them another chance. Maintain boundaries to protect yourself from being taken advantage of again.
Focus on Other Friendships
Even when it is your decision, terminating a friendship is never easy. It's normal to feel angry, sad, or a range of emotions.
One coping mechanism is dedicating time to your other friendships. They can provide support, reinforce your self-worth, and demonstrate the characteristics of healthy, supportive relationships.
Cultivating Healthy and Balanced Friendships
Great friendships take time and effort. If you want these connections to be strong, give them the time, patience, and attention they need to thrive. But both parties need to be invested in growing and maintaining this link.
What can you do to help build healthier, more balanced friendships in the future?
Remember, It's About Give and Take
The relationship isn’t going to be 50/50 all of the time. There will be times when you're giving more, but the same goes for your friend too. It’s OK to go with the ebb-and-flow of the friendship as long as the balance stays fairly equal over time. When you can strike this equilibrium, there’s a better chance that you’ll each feel seen, heard, and valued.
Talk About Your Friendship
Open communication is also key. If the friendship is becoming unbalanced or if you feel like it’s heading into rocky ground, don’t be afraid to talk about it. Sure, these conversations aren't the most comforting, but talking openly can help foster greater closeness and authenticity.
You might say something like: “Hey, it seems like I’m the one making all the plans lately. Why don’t you make plans for our next meet-up? Just text me to let me know what you’d like to do!”
As the friendship grows, remind yourself that you can’t pour from an empty cup. That means making sure you are taking care of yourself. Take the time to do the things you need to stay well, whether that means spending time with other friends, focusing on your interests, or even spending some time alone. Friendships are more likely to feel balanced when each person is at their best.
Can Three Be a Crowd? What Experts Say About Trio Friendships
Read more:
5 Sources
By Kendra Cherry, MSEd
Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."
https://www.verywellmind.com/one-sided-friendship-8679451
How Gratitude Makes You Happier
By
Published on April 16, 2021
Reviewed by
Hiraman / Getty Images
Table of Contents
· What Happens to Our Bodies When We're Grateful?
Mindful Meditation to Find Your Most Energetic Breath
Close
Choosing to be thankful may well be an easy and accessible way to boost your happiness. There is a definite link between gratitude and happiness. First, what is happiness? When we think of happiness, we usually think of it as a subjective sense of well-being, a feeling of joy and satisfaction. What many people may not realize is that happiness isn’t just an emotion or fleeting feeling. It’s about how good you feel and also how satisfied you are with your life.
Positive psychology researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky, who has won grants for her research on the possibility of permanently increasing happiness, considered those feel-good emotions like joy and a sense of positive well-being in measuring happiness. Yet, she also found happiness to include a deep sense of meaning, worth and purpose in life.
Dr. Amy E. Keller, PsyD, a marriage and family therapist doesn’t leave out the purposeful aspect in building happiness. When you feel joyful, but also feel your life has meaning, you’re more appreciative of what you have.
She says, “When I talk about happiness with clients, I emphasize feeling purposeful and connected and cultivating satisfaction and self worth, as well as simply feeling pleasure—which of course is also a factor! Gratitude supports happiness in ways related to all of these.”
Let's take a look at the positive benefits of gratitude and how you can learn to cultivate gratitude in your daily life.
What Happens to Our Bodies When We're Grateful?
Much scientific evidence has shown that gratitude has far-reaching effects on our health. When people are thankful and are good with things as they are, their physical health reflects that. They’re more likely to exercise, eat better, and take care of their health.
Researchers over the years point to lower stress, reduced pain and improved immune systems as a result of being thankful. Even better blood pressure and positive effects on the heart have been linked to gratitude.
Gratitude has a strong positive impact on psychological well-being as well. It increases self-esteem, enhances positive emotions and makes us more optimistic.
When we feel deep happiness, our bodies are producing all sorts of wonderful chemicals. Keller explains more specifically how rewarding it is for our body.
Experiencing gratitude activates neurotransmitters like dopamine, which we associate with pleasure, and serotonin, which regulates our mood. It also causes the brain to release oxytocin, a hormone which induces feelings like trust and generosity which promotes social bonding, and feeling connected.
— AMY E. KELLER, PSYD
How Gratitude Makes You Happier
How to Practice Gratitude
Just like a muscle, when you exercise your thankfulness more often, you’re more likely to see beneficial effects.
Learn From the Scandinavians
In 2018 and 2019, Finland ranked No. 1 in The United Nation’s (UN) World Happiness Report. It’s worth pausing to think about why Finland, Norway, Sweden, Denmark and Iceland often rank at the top for the happiest people in the world. The UN report is a survey of global happiness that ranks 156 countries by respondent ratings of their own lives.
Therefore, Scandinavians themselves are determining their levels of happiness. It’s obviously pretty high. They are appreciative of a functioning society in which they have economic security and in which social institutions support everyone, not just a few. Yet, there is something else. The Swedes use the word “lagom,” to describe a kind of moderation, a just enough-ness they value.
They don’t chase happiness or work overtime for months at a time. By and large, they are accepting and content. They remain grateful for a healthy work-life balance, take breaks during the work day, and have a high standard of living. They also have low corruption and a high level of social trust.
As a result of this satisfaction and contentment, they feel their lives have value. They have less pressure, less stress, and more time for what they enjoy.
Activate Gratitude Regularly
The best way to make gratitude a habit is not to wait for special moments. Some people have been told by their therapists they can keep stress and anxiety at bay by keeping a gratitude journal. Journaling every day is also correlated with an increase in happiness.
But if you’re not ready for that kind of commitment, there’s an easy way to begin on your road to being grateful. Just pay attention. Start identifying things you might take for granted. Then, take a moment to be thankful for them.
Be sure to consider positive actions and events that might seem small, common-place or inconsequential. Here are some examples:
- Be thankful for the warm cup of tea you are enjoying.
- Look up and appreciate the roof over your head.
- Notice the small acts of kindness that you forgot to pay attention to.
- Be thankful someone waved your car through in the parking lot.
- Be appreciative of the friendly customer in line at Starbucks who allowed you to go ahead of them.
- Take a moment to be grateful that your best friend texted you to see how your headache was.
- Stop to be thankful that your hard-working mother texted you to have a nice night.
This is, of course, not an exhaustive list as there are a variety of ways to cultivate gratitude. So, get creative and tailor them to your own life!
Do Gratitude Exercises
Your goal is to practice with intention and add this science-backed habit to increase your happiness. Do you feel that you’re too busy, especially with work? Keller encourages her clients to practice being thankful even at work.
She works with several “high-octane” business people and she encourages them to do gratitude exercises before big meetings. Keller says, “It not only reduces their anxiety, but it shifts their attitude toward one of cooperation (think of that oxytocin kicking in) resulting in more positive and productive interactions—which in turn gives them a sense of accomplishment (dopamine!) improving their overall feelings of satisfaction and self-worth.”
During busy work days and even on the weekends, when we are pressed for time, there are doable ways to fit gratitude into your schedule.
While journaling every day about what you’re grateful for has proven to be and remains extremely beneficial, here are other possible activities to help you stay on track:
- Take a walk and be thankful for each item you see: trees, flowers, the sky, birds.
- Get a magazine or old photos and make a collage of everything you’re grateful for.
- Make a Gratitude Jar or Box. Using slips of paper, write three things you’re thankful for daily. Put in the jar or box and take out periodically to read.
- Call someone who did something kind and express your appreciation.
- Write a letter to someone to express how thankful you are for something that person did for you.
- Schedule a visit and tell this person how much their favor or generous act really meant to you.
According to a recent issue of a newsletter published by Harvard Health, gratitude is consistently associated with greater happiness based on positive psychology research. The newsletter suggests that gratitude helps people to “feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.”
So, take some time to be thankful. It can impact your happiness and enhance many aspects of your life.
By Barbara Field
Barbara is a writer and speaker who is passionate about mental health, overall wellness, and women's issues.
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-gratitude-makes-you-happier-5114446
My Week of Saying "No": A People Pleaser's Journey to Self-Care
Being "selfish" never felt so good
Updated on September 26, 2025
Victor Bordera / Getty Images
Table of Contents
· Day 5: Saying "No" to Myself
· Will I Be Saying "No" More Often?
· Why Is It So Hard To Say No?
Mindful Meditation to Find Your Most Energetic Breath
Close
Key Takeaways
- Saying "no" to demands or requests for your time can feel uncomfortable if you aren't respecting or prioritizing your boundaries.
- For some people, people-pleasing is a trauma response. Many revert to “fawning” or people-pleasing when they feel unsafe.
- Start small—say "no" to one request this week—and see how it feels. You might just discover that protecting your time and energy is the best gift you can give yourself.
If there’s one word that I struggle to say, it’s "no." I’ve built a life around being accommodating. Need an extra set of hands on a work project? I’m your girl. Can’t find someone to help with last-minute plans? You can count on me.
There’s nothing wrong with helping people, of course. But I’d started to notice that my “yes” reflex was leaving me burnt out and feeling resentful.
So when my editor popped into my inbox asking if I’d experiment with saying “no” to everything for a week, the thought gave me stomach pains. On the other hand, I imagined it’d be a great excuse to prioritize myself for a week (because, yes, I needed an excuse).
So I said “yes” to the assignment—and said “no” to everything else for that week that didn’t align with my needs, priorities, or values.
Day 1: The Work Email
The first test of my "no" experiment came before I’d even finished my morning coffee. A client emailed asking if I could help take on an additional copywriting project with a tight deadline.
Normally, I’d agree immediately and figure out how to deal with the stress later. But today, I hesitated. Did I really want to do it? Or was I saying yes out of habit?
For people-pleasers who are struggling to tune into their own wants and desires, Hunt suggests pausing before saying yes.
“Use the pause to check in with your physical and emotional reactions,” Hunt says. “Ask yourself, ‘Does this feel genuine and authentic, or does it feel like something I should want?’”
If I felt excited about the assignment, I might’ve squeezed it into my schedule—but after pausing, I realized the subject matter was just not my vibe.
“Thank you for thinking of me,” I replied, “but I don’t have the bandwidth for this project right now.” I hit send before I could overthink it.
The result? The client was completely understanding, and they found another copywriter to help with the project. I felt a jolt of pride—and relief. Maybe saying "no" wouldn’t be so bad after all.
Day 2: Family Favors
A text from a relative was my next challenge. She was job-hunting and wanted help creating a resumé.
Usually, I wouldn’t mind helping—but I had a bunch of things on my plate. I briefly considered doing it on my lunch break or after work, when I was meant to be studying for a course I was taking.
But then I thought about how tired I was, and how badly I needed to rest.
I texted her back and explained I wouldn’t get a chance to help with her resume until the following week. I also wished her luck in her job search. She completely understood. Win!
Something I said yes to, though? Grabbing pizza and watching a movie with my partner and friends that evening. I realized that, if I’d said yes to helping my relative, I’d have had to say no to this much-needed quality time.
Day 3: Social Pressures
On Wednesday, a friend asked if I wanted to make plans for the weekend.
I typically enjoy having social engagements on the weekends. I’m a community-oriented person, and my friendships mean a lot to me. I was also hesitant to say no to them because it’s a relatively new friendship—while I feel more comfortable asserting boundaries with my closest friends, I worry about making new friends feel rejected or unwanted.
But I had my final yoga teacher training practicals on the weekend, which meant I’d be physically and emotionally tired. I knew that if I agreed to a dinner, I’d either cancel on the day or I’d feel too tired and nervous to fully enjoy it.
Saying 'no' didn’t make me a bad friend; it just made me an honest one.
I thanked them for the invite but explained that I wanted to focus all my attention on my yoga course. To my surprise, they weren’t just understanding—they were super excited for me. We both agreed to catch up next month.
I realized I’d been overthinking people’s reactions to my boundaries. Saying "no" didn’t make me a bad friend; it just made me an honest one.
Day 4: The Walk
My neighbor and I had plans to do an hour-long walk on Thursday evening.
I told my neighbor I was considering canceling, as I was pretty exhausted. She compassionately encouraged me to reschedule if I needed to. It felt great to get this sort of support from her.
I reminded myself of my reasons for this experiment: to prioritize myself. I used an AI-powered journaling app called Rosebud to help me make a decision, and it helped me parse out the pros and cons.
Eventually, I decided to go on the walk. And I’m glad I did—the conversation, exercise, and fresh air did me good.
As much as the week was about saying “no," I also wanted to say “yes” to things that served my needs and well-being.
Day 5: Saying "No" to Myself
On Friday, the challenge turned inward.
I’d been significantly tired all week—which I interpreted as a symptom of burnout.1
For this reason, I decided to take Friday off work. After sleeping in and hitting the sauna, I felt better and immediately considered piling tasks on my plate: housework, personal admin, and work.
I knew I needed more rest, but I also felt terribly guilty about not working (which is an issue in itself).
Ross shared some words that I found really helpful for this situation. “When our own house is in disarray, we can't make space for other people's perspectives without defensiveness or fear,” she says. “Setting boundaries is an act of self-care because it enables me to operate at full capacity and be present enough to practice empathy when needed.”
Setting boundaries is an act of self-care because it enables me to operate at full capacity and be present enough to practice empathy when needed.
— MARIA ROSS
I know what I’m like when I’m burned out: it’s a terrible experience for me and those around me. I slack on house chores, I miss deadlines, and I’m way too cranky to be there for my loved ones.
The solution here is self-care. This can be tricky if you’re not used to taking care of yourself, of course. “I would invite folks to think of true self-care as something that energizes your body, mind, and soul,” Ross advises. “What do you need to recharge, reset, take a break, shift your thinking, use a different part of your brain?”
For me, it was cuddling my dog, doing crafts, and watching Netflix—simple, but soothing.
Day 6: A Boundary Push
Saturday brought my biggest challenge yet: a friend who wouldn’t take "no" for an answer. They kept pressing me to join a group activity, even after I’d politely declined. I found myself wavering, tempted to give in just to avoid conflict.
But instead, I simply repeated my "no" and changed the subject.
I felt terrible, to be honest, partly because they were clearly upset with me.
While the interaction felt uncomfortable, it was a lesson in holding my ground even when others resist.
Day 7: Reflection
By Sunday, I felt empowered.
Saying "no" hadn’t turned me into a villain, nor had it alienated my loved ones. I managed to take time off work, focus fully on my yoga teacher training, and feel more in control of my time and energy. And I did that all without harming any of my relationships!
That’s not to say there weren’t challenges. Saying "no" can be uncomfortable, especially if you’re used to over-accommodating.
But the benefits—reduced stress, increased self-respect, and a clearer sense of priorities—were undeniable.
Will I Be Saying "No" More Often?
Absolutely.
But I’m not going to lie: I don’t think saying “no” is a skill I’ve mastered yet. It makes me very uncomfortable, and I still have a sense of guilt about Saturday’s interaction.
“Guilt is common when trying something new, especially when it challenges deeply held beliefs,” Hunt advised. She advises starting by setting small boundaries to build up your confidence. “With practice, you’ll start to internalize that boundaries are about respecting yourself, not disrespecting others.”
I’ll need more practice before I feel confident. But I think I’ve made some progress.
That said, I’ve also learned to balance this newfound assertiveness with flexibility. Not every "yes" is a bad thing. Sometimes it’s worth saying "yes" to opportunities that align with your values.
Why Is It So Hard To Say No?
I’m not a textbook people pleaser—I can be grumpy, blunt, and headstrong. But I often agree to do things I don’t want to do because I’m afraid of conflict and rejection. Classic people-pleasing behavior, right?
“Generally speaking, people-pleasing develops from a deep longing for validation and acceptance,” says Jessica Hunt, LCSW. “It’s a coping mechanism from growing up in environments where love or safety felt conditional and acceptance was earned by being agreeable, helpful, or compliant.”
If that description feels like a personal attack, you’re not alone. Hunt says that many people learn that self-sacrifice is a good thing. “This eventually leads to prioritizing others’ needs over their own out of fear of conflict or rejection,” she says.
There’s a term for this: pathological altruism. And research shows that healthy selfishness is better for you, psychologically and socially, than pathological altruism.2
Beyond feeling rejected, one of the reasons why I find it hard to say “no” is because I genuinely can’t tell whether I’m being callous or not.
So, I asked Maria Ross, an empathy advocate and author, how to tell the difference between being empathetic and people-pleasing.
She gave me a helpful perspective: that people-pleasing doesn’t typically come from empathy, but from a place of fear. “When you default to people-pleasing, that is not empathy, It's submission,” Ross says. “It's about your own needs and desires to feel good.”
When you default to people-pleasing, that is not empathy, It's submission.
— MARIA ROSS
“When others make an ask of us, we often react immediately from our own needs, whether we immediately say no because we're stressed and busy or immediately say yes because we want to make the other person happy,” Ross says. In other words, when we people-please, we’re still acting based on our own desires.
On the other hand, empathy is about considering another person’s perspective.3 Ross advises that there is a compassionate, empathetic way to hold boundaries.
Final Thoughts
Here’s what I’ve learned from this experiment:
- People-pleasing is not empathy. “Empathy is a way of being that is not about sacrificing your own needs and priorities,” Ross says. “That is not empathy, that is submission and acquiescence.”
- Guilt is normal—but temporary. Learning to set boundaries means challenging old patterns, which can stir up guilt. Be patient with yourself.
- Boundaries are a form of self-care. As Ross explains, saying "no" protects your emotional energy and helps you prioritize what matters most.
- Saying "no" can strengthen relationships. Honesty and authenticity often lead to deeper connections.
- It’s OK to pick your battles. Not every situation requires a "no." Focus on saying "no" where it matters most.
If people-pleasing is causing you significant stress, it’s a good idea to consider speaking with a therapist, Hunt says. “Therapy can help you explore and identify these patterns, challenge them, and introduce helpful tools like mindfulness exercises, distress tolerance techniques, and self-compassion practices, which can be incredibly helpful for habitual people-pleasers.”
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-i-learned-from-saying-no-for-a-week-11812916
This Dopamine Hack Could Be the Key to Unlocking Your Motivation, Experts Say
It’s all about tricking our brains like Pavlov’s dogs—on purpose
By
Published on August 11, 2025
Dopamine anchoring involves pairing an enjoyable task to a tedious one to make it more digestible..
kali9 / Getty Images
Table of Contents
· The Science of Dopamine and Reward
· How Dopamine Anchoring Works
· What Mental Health Professionals Say
· Can You Really Train Your Brain for Better Habits?
8 Ways to Feel Better After a Breakup, According to the Experts
Close
Key Takeaways
- Dopamine anchoring is a self-help technique that uses positive associations to make boring or challenging tasks feel more manageable, even enjoyable.
- It works best when used mindfully and in moderation, as over-relying on external rewards can reduce intrinsic motivation and lead to burnout.
- While it may help improve productivity and build healthier habits, dopamine anchoring isn’t a replacement for professional treatment when deeper mental health issues are involved.
Ever wonder why doing mundane tasks like folding the laundry or putting away groceries is easier when you’ve got your favorite podcast on? That’s dopamine anchoring at work.
Blowing up on TikTok as the latest productivity fix, dopamine anchoring is essentially a modern spin on classical conditioning. The idea is to pair dull or difficult tasks with things you actually enjoy to gradually make them feel less like a chore.
“While the terminology is new and popularized through social media, the underlying neuroscience—pairing stimuli with rewards to shape behavior—has been studied for decades,” says Dr. Anoopinder Singh, a board-certified psychiatrist.
The Science of Dopamine and Reward
When you experience or think of something pleasurable, like eating a piece of cake or smashing a goal, your brain’s reward system gets activated and releases dopamine—a key neurotransmitter and hormone. This rush of dopamine is what gives you the feelings of pleasure and satisfaction, motivating you to want to do that thing again, like going for another slice of cake or working toward another goal.
Interestingly, according to Dr. Singh, the most powerful dopamine hits don’t come from getting the reward itself, but from looking forward to it. Like the excitement you feel before a big game or an upcoming vacation. "Dopamine is more about ‘wanting’ than ‘liking.' It makes us seek out rewarding experiences," Dr. Singh explains. And this is what dopamine anchoring taps into.
How Dopamine Anchoring Works
In simple terms, dopamine anchoring leverages the brain's dopamine and reward system to build positive associations with tasks that feel boring or annoying.
Dopamine is more about ‘wanting’ than ‘liking.' It makes us seek out rewarding experiences.
— ANOOP SINGH, MD
“The idea is to ‘anchor’ dopamine release to specific cues or behaviors,” says Dr. Singh. For example, having a sweet treat while studying for an exam or lighting your favorite scented candle only when you’re reading a book.
As you repeat these associations over time, your brain starts releasing dopamine even before getting the actual reward, increasing motivation and making the task itself feel intrinsically rewarding, explains Dr. Holly Schiff, an NYC-based licensed clinical psychologist. Kinda like how Pavlov’s dogs learned to salivate at the sound of a bell.
Dopamine Anchoring vs. Habit Stacking
While habit stacking is about pairing a new habit with an existing one, dopamine anchoring goes a step further by sandwiching in something rewarding between the cue and the behavior. “You’re bookending your new habit with feel-good moments, with the satisfaction encouraging your brain to want to repeat the sequence again and again,” notes licensed therapist Brianna Paruolo.
What Mental Health Professionals Say
“In my clinical experience, this technique can be helpful, especially for building routines or overcoming procrastination,” says Dr. Singh.
The underlying principles behind dopamine anchoring, like classical conditioning1 and positive reinforcement,2 are well-established, making it a useful tool for increasing productivity and cultivating healthier habits, says Dr. Schiff, who has used the technique with her patients.
For Rebecca Morris, a mindfulness instructor in Minnesota, dopamine anchoring turned dreaded dish duty into an entertaining rinse-and-relax ritual. "I decided to try dopamine anchoring and set up my laptop in the kitchen to stream my favorite shows while washing up. It made a huge difference! My husband even joked that it's become my ‘me time’,” she shares.
That said, experts caution that it isn't a magic fix and shouldn't be used as a substitute for treatment for serious mental health issues.
The Downsides of Dopamine Anchoring
Both Dr. Schiff and Paruolo warn against using dopamine triggers every time you have to do something you don’t like, as over-dependence on external rewards can reduce intrinsic motivation over time. “You risk turning every activity into a transaction that requires payment in pleasure,” says Paruolo.
Additionally, over-optimizing the brain’s reward system can lead to burnout, dependency on constant stimulation, and dopamine desensitization, notes Dr. Singh.
There is also the risk of addictive reinforcement. If your anchors involve unhealthy dopamine cues (e.g, doomscrolling, impulse buying, etc.), you may end up reinforcing distraction rather than self-discipline, Dr. Schiff points out.
Practical Tips to Try Dopamine Anchoring
If you’re curious to dip your toes in the dopamine anchoring trend, here’s how to do it right, according to experts:
- Be specific: Paruolo suggests choosing one particular task or habit you've been consistently avoiding. This should be something concrete and measurable, like “answering work emails,” “paying bills,” or “tidying the room,” rather than something vague like “being more productive."
- Match the reward to the task's difficulty level: For example, folding laundry might pair well with your favorite podcast, while tackling taxes might need something more substantial, like your favorite takeout afterward, says Paruolo.
- Keep your anchors simple and accessible: “You don't want to create elaborate reward systems that become barriers themselves,” says Paruolo. If you’re spending more time perfecting your reward system than actually doing the work, it just becomes another form of procrastination.
- Don’t expect instant results: Motivation doesn't operate like a switch. So it’s important to be patient with the process. It’s also normal to feel awkward at first, since you're rewiring neural pathways that have been set for years, says Paruolo.
- Tap into mindfulness: “Mindfulness helps you become more aware and better at detecting and interpreting your internal states,” says Dr. Schiff. This can help you recognize dopamine spikes and dips and create space between stimulus and response by pausing before acting. It can also help you anchor behaviors intentionally rather than impulsively, Dr. Schiff adds.
- Track your progress: Use a journal to record your triggers, rewards, motivation levels, mood, and how effective your anchor is to identify what’s working and what needs adjusting.
And lastly, as with any new habit, remember that consistency matters more than intensity.
Can You Really Train Your Brain for Better Habits?
When deeper issues like depression, ADHD, or anxiety are driving your motivation struggles, dopamine anchoring can feel like putting a Band-Aid on a broken bone. “It might provide temporary relief, but doesn't address the root cause,” says Paruolo.
In fact, for those with conditions like ADHD, depression, or addiction, the brain’s reward pathways are already dysregulated, so trying to manipulate them without clinical guidance can actually worsen symptoms, notes Dr. Singh.
Paruolo also adds that it’s worth considering therapy if you're using dopamine anchoring to avoid dealing with underlying emotional issues, like perfectionism or fear of failure, that keep you stuck in procrastination cycles.
2 Sources
By Noma Nazish
With nearly a decade of journalistic experience, Noma Nazish is passionate about covering the intersection of lifestyle and wellness with a soft spot for sustainability. Her work has appeared in various national and international publications like Cosmopolitan, The News Hub, and Zee News English, among others.
https://www.verywellmind.com/dopamine-anchoring-for-motivation-11786416
I Started My Day With a Cold Shower for a Week—Here's What It Did for My Mood
"Like my brain got a brisk slap and was suddenly ready to pay attention"
Updated on December 19, 2025
Reviewed by
ByoungJoo / Getty Images
Table of Contents
7 Tips for Staying Consistent at the Gym with ADHD, According to an ADHD Psychologist
Key Takeaways
- Cold showers can help improve mood and mental clarity.
- Start with 30 seconds of cold water at the end of a warm shower and slowly increase over time.
- Cold showers can help snap you out of a bad mood by triggering survival mode.
I’m no stranger to cold showers. Long before they were trending on TikTok as the ultimate wellness hack, I dabbled in the occasional post-workout rinse or cold water blast to wake myself up or cool myself down after a sauna session. I liked the feeling—invigorating, bracing, like an espresso shot straight to the soul.
But taking cold showers every day, especially in autumn (hello from Cape Town), felt like a different kind of challenge. A masochistic one, maybe.
Still, I was curious. I’ve heard cold exposure can help boost mood, sharpen focus, and even ease symptoms of anxiety. As someone who tends to get foggy-headed by 2 p.m. and regularly rides the rollercoaster of mood dips and bursts of melancholy, I wondered if a week of cold showers could shake things up—literally and emotionally.
So I tried it. One cold shower, every day, for a full week. Here’s what happened.
What’s the Deal With Cold Showers?
A “cold shower” isn’t a precise science, but most experts define it as anything below 60°F (about 15°C). If you hop in and gasp, you’re probably doing it right.
On social media, cold showers have become the darling of the self-optimization crowd. The Wim Hof Method (named after the Dutch “Iceman” who champions cold exposure and breathwork) helped popularize the idea that cold water can supercharge your mind and body. TikTok is filled with creators plunging into icy tubs and claiming everything from increased productivity to emotional rebirth.
Research, like a 2021 study published in Lifestyle Medicine, suggests a single cold exposure experience can improve mood.1 An older 2008 study found that cold showers could be a promising treatment for depression.2
“I’ve seen a growing body of evidence (and patient experience) suggesting that cold water exposure can have measurable benefits on mood, mental clarity, and overall wellbeing,” says Dr. Pamela Walters, consultant psychiatrist and medical director at Eulas Clinics.
I’ve seen a growing body of evidence (and patient experience) suggesting that cold water exposure can have measurable benefits on mood, mental clarity, and overall wellbeing.
— DR. PAMELA WALTERS
“Although cold therapy is not a standalone treatment, for some, it can become a really helpful part of a broader mental wellbeing strategy,” Walters says. Because cold showers are easily accessible, they can help people regain control over their stress responses.
And you don’t need a fancy ice bath to reap the benefits. Ashwini Nadkarni, MD, Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, says that research shows cold showers once or twice a day, for anywhere between a few weeks to several months, can have mental health benefits.
In other words, cold showers aren’t just a shock to the system—they’re a neurological jolt that may support mental clarity and emotional balance.
What Happens Inside Your Brain When It's Too Cold?
My Week of Cold Showers: A Day-by-Day Breakdown
Day 1: The Shock
It was a warm-ish morning, so I decided to go all in and end my usual “everything shower” with a 30-second blast of cold.
And… wow. I didn’t realize that 30 seconds could last so long.
My breath hitched, my brain screamed, and I regretted every life choice that led me to this moment.
And yet, once it was over? I felt pretty good. Awake, sharp, and surprisingly ready to take on the day.
Days 2–3: The Adaptation
On day two, I was kind of dreading my shower—but I was also kind of proud of myself. I stuck with the 30-second cold finish, and I felt a jolt of clarity afterward, like wiping a fogged mirror clean.
Dr. Walters recommends starting just like this—short bursts of cold water, increasing over time. “Start with about 30 seconds at the end of your normal warm shower, and gradually increase the duration over weeks,” she says. “Listen to your body and avoid extremes to ensure safety.”
Day three had a hiccup: I forgot the cold blast and got into my pajamas before realizing my mistake. So yes, I got back into the shower to do it properly. And let me tell you—getting undressed again made it way worse.
Moral of the story? Build it into your shower routine, or suffer the chilly consequences.
Days 4–5: The Mental Shift
Day four was a rough one. I woke up feeling emotionally off—low, grey, blah. It was one of those days where I couldn’t motivate myself to do anything. I slogged through work and felt ugh the entire time.
When I realized it was shower time, I groaned. But when the cold water hit? My brain flipped into survival mode. For those 30 seconds, I wasn’t sad or overwhelmed—I was just cold.
This snapped me out of my bad mood. Which is surprising, considering how much I hate the cold.
Dr. Nadkarni notes that this kind of grounding response is part of the psychological appeal of cold showers. “People often report benefits from moving outside of their comfort zone or experiencing a mechanism for grounding,” she explains. “There’s some evidence that cold showers may support mood regulation, even though high-quality studies are limited.”
I didn’t notice any changes to my sleep (I’m a lifelong insomniac, so I was hoping for a miracle), but I did notice improved focus.
Days 6–7: The Breakthrough
By day six, I felt… dare I say it… good? I wasn’t dreading the cold anymore. In fact, I kind of looked forward to it. It felt like a tiny triumph to start the day. Like, look at me doing hard things! Look at me surviving!
It seemed to reduce my stress levels. Interestingly, I found a study that found cold exposure could reduce perceived stress, especially when paired with breathing techniques.3
Day seven, however, humbled me. It was the first truly cold day of the season, and I did not want to turn off the hot water. I did it gradually, and I didn’t quite hit the same level of cold or last the full 30 seconds.
But I still gave myself credit. And once again, I felt more alert and ready to work.
I Tried NSDR for a Week—Here’s How It Improved My Mental Health
Benefits of Cold Showers on Mental Health
“Cold showers can also produce enhanced alertness, focus, and even a sense of inspiration,” Dr. Nadkarn says. She points to an older study on winter swimming, which found that regularly swimming in winter seemed to improve energy, address fatigue, and boost mood.4
This is partly because of our vagal system, Walters and Nadkami say. “Activating the sympathetic nervous system initiates a fight-or-flight response. This quickly increases alertness and mental clarity,” Walter says.
Then, the shock of cold water means you release endorphins, which can improve your mood and reduce stress in the short term.
Dr. Walters also says that cold exposure can boost noradrenaline, a neurotransmitter critical for attention and focus. produce a short-term boost in mood by triggering a release of noradrenaline and endorphins.
“Elevated noradrenaline levels can sharpen cognitive performance and alleviate brain fog or fatigue,” Walters says. “This is especially beneficial for those experiencing chronic fatigue or sluggishness.”
The Impact of Cold Showers Over Time
Over time, Dr. Walters adds, these repeated exposures may help people better regulate stress and anxiety. “It’s not a standalone treatment, but it can become a helpful part of a broader mental wellness strategy,” she explains.
Nadkarn warns that there isn’t enough research on cold showers to confirm whether they can actually help with mental health conditions. As a 2023 article points out, we need plenty more studies—rigorous research on large sample sizes—to fully understand how cold showers can impact not only mental health, but physical health as well.5
Both experts emphasize that cold exposure isn’t suitable for everyone. “Individuals with cardiovascular concerns or specific mental health conditions, such as severe anxiety or trauma-related disorders, should approach with caution,” says Dr. Walters.
What I Learned
This week taught me a few things about cold water—and about myself.
First, it really did help my energy and focus. I didn’t feel wired or shaky the way I sometimes do after coffee, but I felt sharper. Like my brain got a brisk slap and was suddenly ready to pay attention.
Second, it helped shake me out of funks. When I was feeling off or emotionally stuck, the cold blast offered a reset. Not a permanent fix, but a powerful nudge.
And finally? It just felt good to do something hard. Even if my mood wasn’t magically better every day, I walked out of the shower with a little more confidence. It was a quiet, daily win. And that counts for something.
What Happened to My Energy and Anxiety When I Switched From Coffee to Matcha
Would I Keep Doing It?
Will cold showers become a daily ritual for me? Realistically… no. Not in the middle of winter, anyway.
But I’ll definitely be using them again—especially when I need a pick-me-up, a mental reset, or a jolt of motivation. I think of it like a tool in my wellness toolbox. Not something I have to do, but something I can do when I want to feel more awake, more capable, more me.
If you’re up for it, it’s worth a try—but go slowly. After all, it’s easily accessible, as both Walters and Nadkarn point out. If it doesn’t work for you, that’s cool. If it does work, it’s a helpful tool to have in your self-care kit. Start with slightly lukewarm water, and gradually decrease the temperature until you feel like you’re on the border of tolerable and screaming.
https://www.verywellmind.com/cold-shower-benefits-11728932
Comments